I'm a very different person today than I was a year and a half ago.
Toward the end of 2013, I found my rock-bottom. I failed. I moved to Boston from New York without having all of my ducks in a row. A small percentage of why I moved was for a guy, and it turned out that he was going through his own life crisis and wanted nothing to do with me. The job I got was not good enough to pay the bills but offered no time to pick up a second job and I realized all of it just a little too late.
I moved back home, into rooms that were filled with my parents' things and feeling like there wasn't really room for me anymore. I was pressured to go find a job, but I took a month to just be poor and sad. I sent out resumes, but I didn't do much following up until my month of sadness was coming to a close. I deactivated my Facebook, considered going back to school for an entirely different field than wellness and questioned my worth. I worked out a LITTLE, but I really didn't try that hard to eat well or stay in shape for that time. I read about feminism and studied the world around me and played video games.
I started the new month with a new job, picked up a few group fitness slots at the gym I used to teach at before Boston, earned a spot in an improv group, started writing stand up comedy and slowly started to redefine myself. When January rolled around, I was pudgy and missed my workouts, so I started going to the gym every morning with my cousin.
When I met my boyfriend Mike in April of 2014, I was kind of all over the place in terms of self-esteem. Having performed and made people laugh made me feel really cool and interesting. Getting back in shape again made me feel pretty. But I still wasn't sure how I was ever going to get out of my house, and feared I'd never be good enough or helpful enough or smart enough or energized enough to make the money I needed to leave. Going back to school would keep me locked in my house forever, but so would staying still. I was in limbo.
Within a few months of dating, it was clear to Mike that my passion was in the wellness industry. He helped me believe in myself again. We would brainstorm ways for me to help people and myself. Eventually, we realized the answer was there all along in the form of Beachbody Coaching. It's a job I'm in love with and I'm having a great time with it. But, like any other business, it takes time. I can't be a stand-up comedian AND a Beachbody coach... mostly because when I'm fit and training, helping my coaches build their businesses and studying to be a better trainer, I'm HAPPY. Who wants to hear me stand up and talk about how happy I am? No one.
Being busy with coaching, teaching classes, personal training, my own self-training and massage therapy makes me extremely happy. Learning how to cook and helping my boyfriend and family eat food and healthy things that taste like they aren't healthy makes me feel accomplished. Going out with friends and being the DD saves me a night of embarrassment from being "that girl" (which I ALWAYS am when I drink) and gets everyone home safely. Drinking water and Shakeology every day makes my skin look better than it ever has, which is a miracle for someone who grew up covered in acne and eczema. Leading a challenge group by example makes me feel like a good coach. Talking to my fellow coaches about everything from their personal lives to their fitness makes me feel like I'm part of an amazing family of like-minded people. I've never felt so good and so loved.
But then there is the other side of things. This is where a lot of people fall off. I've seen it so many times. Yes, the voice in your head can be your biggest enemy. But sometimes we have real voices talking to us too. Out loud.
Not having a good support system is the hardest part of trying to live a healthy lifestyle. When I started believing in myself, I could hear some of my friends' eyes rolling. Doing all of the things that I mentioned I LOVE doing got in the way of the free time I used to have for things like self-deprecating jokes. Meal prep and coach camps took away from hours of sitting around texting and sending funny messages to people. Being truly busy meant a lot of sentences that start with, "I'd love to, but..."
And some people just wouldn't have that.
It's extremely hard when you go out to dinner with people you love and they smile meanly at you saying, "Oh look! She's EATING!"
It's annoying when people tell you that they feel "done with you" because you can't come to every single thing you used to when you had more time.
It HURTS when someone tells you that you "suck" because you won't have a drink or eat cake.
I'm lucky I do have my fit fam. I'm lucky I have a boyfriend who tells me how proud he is of what I'm doing instead of pressuring me to be someone else. I'm lucky I have enough people in my life to remind me that I'm on the right path that I can say, "Yes. I choose me. I choose to do what I love, even if it makes other people feel weird for whatever reason."
I'm no one's mother. I don't have to be there for every single event. Everyone is busy and has the things that make them happy. I like to think I make enough time to show the people that I care about, that I care about them. But at the end of the day, if that isn't appreciated, I'm always going to choose myself first. I hope you do the same.
